I met a lovely woman, Marguerite, who made the statement in this post’s title: “My friends don’t like me when I’m 20 lbs heavier.” She is petite in frame and size, so, at 20 lbs thinner I think she’d probably disappear. But, she was at Loehman’s (where everyone strips down together to try on clothes), shopping with some college friends, and she commented that she could feel their disdain for her weight. She added, “They don’t like my glasses either (she wears stunning black frames), they think I should wear contacts.”

My questions:

1. What is it to her friends if she is 20 lbs, 40 lbs, 100 lbs heavier than in college? Isn’t she the same dear friend of their youth?
2. Why do we as women do this to one another? We are so vicious toward other women as regards appearance.

Hang in there, Marguerite! And keep the glasses–they’re awesome.

I just read a statistic that says the average young woman (ages 12-25) spends 100 minutes a day thinking about her body image. For example, spending 5 minutes in the morning deciding if her skirt makes her butt look too big, spending 3 minutes deciding to eat breakfast or not, spending 5 minutes deciding between the salad or the cheeseburger (quick shout out to the blog Eat A Cheeseburger!) for lunch. And speaking as someone older than 25, it doesn’t get much better after 25 (just add wrinkles and gray hair to the mix).

100 minutes a day–that’s the length of a feature film. We run our little fat-horror movies throughout the day, every day, wasting precious mental energy.  Can you imagine what we could accomplish if we could spend that 100 minutes a day on something, anything, productive? And not just as individuals, but with the combined brain power of all of those men and women who nickel and dime their mental energy away worrying about whether they should eat the bread on a sandwich?

A friend of The Curvy Life sent me this item from Post Secret. Body loathing has become so normal that to even think that you like your body qualifies as a “secret.” (See the Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters post for more on this.)

“I love my body and think it’s perfect, but I pretend not to because that’s what Normal girls do.”

I love that this picture is from an episode of America’s Next Top Model where the models had to pose as plastic surgery “victims.” The cut lines marked on this idealized body make for an interesting visual commentary. (I spent several weeks addicted to the re-runs of ANTM on MTV, but that’s a story for another time.)

I often use the term “body loathing” to refer to hatred on one’s own body; however, there is a category of body loathing that is directed outward, particularly toward fat bodies, that I refer to as “fat loathing.”

Here is an example from Post Secret of fat loathing:

“Every time I am around my friend, I fight the urge to tell her that her kids are fat because she is a bad mom.”

Wow, could you strike a woman any more severely that to attack her children AND her parenting skills? There is an underlying viciousness toward fat people that I never seem to see elsewhere. Why all the hate?

Victoria, Australia has created a “Voluntary Media Code of Conduct” through its Department of Planning and Community Development Office of Youth.  The Media Code of Conduct was released in July 2007, but I’m only hearing about it now (Aussie state moves to stamp out unrealistic body imagery, TV3 News).

The mission of the Code of Conduct:

The Code is designed to encourage the fashion, media and advertising industries to place greater emphasis on diversity, positive body images and a focus on health rather than body shape.

The Code presents four key recommendations (complete report here):

Altered and Enhanced Images
The use of unachievable and unrealistic digitally manipulated images of people in the media is discouraged. If such alteration has occurred, digitally altered images should be disclosed and accompanied by a ‘tag’ stating that “this image has been digitally altered” to help young people make a balanced appraisal.

Diversity in Shapes
Consideration should be given to the inclusion of a variety of body shapes, to provide fair representation in both editorial and advertising images.

Fair Placement
Consideration should be given to the editorial context in which diet, exercise or cosmetic surgery advertising is placed.

Modeling Health
Glamorisation of severely underweight models or celebrities is potentially dangerous; effort should be made to depict people of healthy weight and size.

Unlike the French proposal (to ban glamorization of  thinness), the code is strictly voluntary and provides no penalties for failure to conform to the rules.

I find these recommendations much more in line with my own philosophy, particularly the goal:”to place greater emphasis on diversity, positive body images and a focus on health rather than body shape.”

I also think that it’s a great idea to “tag” altered images as “digitally altered” (or perhaps “objects may be fatter/wrinkly-er/shorter/older than they appear”).  Even knowing that an image is altered doesn’t change its power to influence; however, the reminder of the plastic nature of the image is something.

Related to this issue, The Australian Association of National Advertisers (AANA) announced changes to the Advertising to Children Code, so as to ban the “sexualization” of children ages 14 and younger.

Sophia Dolls - www.SophiaDolls.com

I admit it - I loved Barbie. I received my first “Barbie” (a “Skipper” in fact) when I was 6 years old (a gift from my aunt). Devastated when our family dog carried her off for a few weeks, I was delighted when he dragged her dirty, chewed, gnarled plastic body home again. I just washed her off and kept playing.

I quickly graduated to real Barbies (and Kens), and from there every penny of my allowance went to Barbie clothes, the Barbie Dream Home, The Barbie Corvette, and even the Barbie camper (epiphany: I don’t know if Barbie affected my sense of body image, but she clearly set me up to have expensive taste). By the time I was 11 years old, I thought that I was “too old to be playing with dolls” (alas, I hit adolescence just before the action figure movement hit–now, young and old, male and female can play with dolls). I particularly enjoyed dressing my Barbies to the nines and enacting elaborate adventures.

So, I am quite delighted by the prospect of playing with Sophia Dolls (www.SophiaDolls.com), Barbie-style dolls with more realistic body proportions (from sizes 4 to 16) modeled after ancient Greek goddesses. Not only do the dolls represent real female bodies, each doll is connected to an empowering personality type (based on psychology and mythology). Thus, instead of “Cheerleader Barbie” (not that there’s anything wrong with that) you get “Goddess Athena-Teacher of Leadership.” (See the entire collection by clicking here.) The dolls are designed for both children and adults.

To help you choose your doll(s), SophiaDolls.com provides a “Sophia Woman Goddess Quiz” so that you can match your personality to the right goddess. My Goddess Style is Aphrodite - Creative Woman. Among her qualities: Comfortable in her body no matter what her size, shape or color. Right on, Aphrodite! I can imagine that Aphrodite could have far more exciting adventures than Malibu Barbie (though Barbie still has a better wardrobe).

Only 3 dolls in the collection are available currently, but the rest are on the way. They’re not cheap at $99.00 each, but each doll is a limited edition (only 1200 dolls each).

If nothing else, check out the Goddess Quiz. I’d like to hear: What’s your Goddess Style?

“Seeking the ideal body, searching for perfection” is a great editorial by college student Denise Heady about the pressure she feels to be thin.

I’m 5-foot-2 and weigh 112 pounds.
Most people consider me to be average. Some would even say that I am on the skinny side.
But I feel enormous. Up until last year, I never weighed more than 100 pounds.
You might think I’m weird, or even crazy, for considering myself to be too big. But let me explain.
First, take a look at the culture we live in.
Images of women are plastered everywhere. They are used to sell everything from fishing line to fast food. These models are tall and slender.
The women in these ads are 5-foot-10 and weigh 105 pounds. How can real women compete with that kind of body image?

Click here for the rest of the article.

I came across this book when I read the article “Love Your Fat Self” in the Jan/Feb 2008 issue of Utne Reader. I was so moved by her compassionate take on what it means to be a young, fat woman today. Even further, though, I was struck by the subtitle of her book: “The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body.”

Body loathing has become the new normal for women. What are we going to do about that?

Here’s a short excerpt from the book that I found profound (I find the whole book to be profound, for that matter):

The cruel irony is that although we become totally obsessed with the daily measures of how “good” or “bad” we are (refused dessert = good; didn’t have time to go to the gym = bad), there is no finish line. This weight preoccupation will never lead us anywhere. It is a maniacal maze that always spits you out at the same point it sucked you up: wanting. We keep chasing after perfection as if it is an achievable goal, when really it is the most grand and painful of all mirages (Alternet.org, 4/18/2007).

I think that Martin has a really honest and fresh take on the whole body loathing issue. And that’s why I featuring her book in the Book Club.

Click here, Perfect girls, for the Amazon link, if you need it.

I love books and I’m always on the look out for new and/or interesting books on body image, self-esteem, and positivity. So, I’ve decided to start a Curvy Live Book Club (Oprah’s got nothing on me). Each month I’ll present the highlights of one of my favorite books. Feel free to join the discussion. And if you have a favorite book, let me know–I’d love to read it.

This month I’ve decided to feature Courtney Martin’s Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters. She has a compelling take on the pressure of perfection, particularly on women under 30; however, as a woman over 30, I find her insights to be spot on.

If you need a copy of the book, you can order directly from Amazon by clicking Perfect girls. Otherwise, the book is widely available at bookstores nation wide. I’ll give you a little background on the book tomorrow.

All of the tips this month have really had Tip #27 as their aim:

Eliminate body image clutter.

We start collecting body image clutter as children.  Then we are constantly bombarded by negative messages about our bodies. Make it your goal to sort through the mental static and keep only those thoughts about your body (and yourself) that support and empower you.

And, of course, keep checking back here for more on decluttering body image–our theme for March.

The first step in decluttering body image is to uncover the mental and physical clutter we have around our bodies.  The following is a 10-point assessment to reveal areas in your life where you might be holding on to body image clutter:

1. Do you spend thinking and/or worrying about your body, food, and exercise? How much time?
2. Do you have nagging, negative feelings around the way you look?
3. Can you take a compliment?  When complimented, is your first response, “Thank you,” or do you try to diminish the praise?
4. Do you ask your partner/spouse/friends/family—do I look fat in this? How often?
5. How many diet books, magazine articles, cookbooks, etc. do you have? How many do you use?
6. How many exercise gadgets do you own? How many do you use on a regular basis?
7. Do you have a full or even over-full closet, but “nothing to wear”?
8. Do you have “skinny” clothes? Do you have “fat” clothes?
9. How long does it take you to get dressed for work? Play? Special occasions?
10. Do you feel beautiful/powerful/attractive/professional every time you leave your house?

Once you identify the clutter, you can remove it and replace it with ideas and routines that support your well-being.  More on this in another post.

Today’s tip comes from the “Love Your Body Day” campaign:

Develop a creative outlet. Everyone needs a medium to express daily stress and frustrations constructively. Maybe you’re a photographer, writer, poet or all three. Maybe you can knit, make shapes out of clay or finger paint. Loving your body is also about loving your mind.

Find your art and let your body create.

As part of their “Be Comfortable in Your Genes” campaign, NEDA is encouraging all of us to go through our closets and donate any jeans that don’t fit.  So, in line with their challenge, Tip #25 is:

Only wear clothes that you love, that fit you well, and that make you feel your best.

If you are keeping clothes in your closet that don’t fit well or no longer fit at all then you are creating negative energy around your body image that will hit you every time you open the closet door.  Better to have a few fabulous garments than a closet full of clothes that make you feel bad.

And by donating the clothes that don’t fit you anymore you are helping someone in need.  That’s making two happy people with one pair of jeans (or one shirt, one dress, etc.)

Tip #23 is purely physical:

Unleash your inner athlete.

Sometimes we don’t fully participate in life because we feel that we don’t have the “right” body for an activity. As a result, we don’t get to experience the satisfaction that comes from stretching ourselves physically and learning something new. What physical activity have you been avoiding? Have you tried ice skating, rock climbing, running, or dancing? Pick an activity that you’ve resisted and give it a try. You’ll be impressed at how your body responds.

Now that you have your signature song, walk, piece, and mantra, what do you do if you still don’t love your body?

Fake it ’til you make it.

All tips aside, changing your attitude toward your body does not happen overnight (or over-month). Creating a positive and healthy relationship with your body is an ongoing process, one that has to be maintained in the same way we maintain other aspects of our physical health.

So, during the process, if you’re not feeling it, just act as if you feel it. Put on the positive attitude like you put on an outfit. Again, it may take a while to become second nature, but even if you’re faking it, a positive way of thinking about your body is seeping into your psyche every time you “work it.”

The tips so far this week have all involved signatures–a walk, a song. So, Tip #20 involves a signature item:

Wear your superpower piece.

Most of us have one–that item of clothing, that pair of awesome shoes, that breathtaking piece of jewelry–that makes us feel powerful and sexy. When you find yourself feeling bad about your body, pull out your superpower garment and soar.