The Trap of Over-Giving

For many of us, giving comes so naturally and easily that we have to be reminded not to over-give, either by giving beyond our means, beyond our time constraints, or beyond our energy levels. While I think that over-giving is often motivated by a heart full of gratitude and love, I also think that giving to the point of discomfort or pain can be motivated by a feeling that what we have to give (within our means, time, energy) or even more tragically, who we are as a human being, is not enough.

We’re taught from the time that we are little girls that our most important currency is “niceness,” and that the way we prove our worth is in selfless giving. Thus, from the beginning, we are programmed for a never-ending sense of not-enoughness. Not-enoughness leads us to undervalue what we have to give. I read this great thought in an article titled, “No, You Can’t Pick My Brain,”(by Nicole Jordan) on the tendency of women in business to undercharge for their services:

“Time is valuable and creative thought is even more so. Don’t undervalue either. As women (and compassionate people everywhere) we like to help and can get trapped in giving our time and ideas away for free because we’re afraid to ask for compensation. Or, just don’t realize it’s within our right to do so.”

Over-giving is a trap. What may start as heart-centered giving can become a burdensome obligation. Those around us can begin to expect and feel entitled to our over-giving, thus depriving of us our rightful recognition and further feeding our sense of not-enoughness. By staying so busy over-doing for others, we then don’t have time to stop and think about areas of our lives that may require change. The inescapable consequence of over-giving to others is an under-giving to ourselves. This can lead to the neglect of the most basic aspects of self-care—sleep, proper nutrition, exercise—in the name of caring for others. And the end game of over-giving is that eventually you have nothing to give to anyone else either.

So, if you find yourself exhausted from over-giving, then I encourage you to take your natural gift of generosity and turn it inward. Over-give to yourself. Give yourself time, attention, affection, and praise. Even if it’s only a half-day (a day of saying “No” to others and “Yes” to yourself), you’ll be amazed at the value of what you’ve been giving others. So, really as a reminder to myself, I remind you: You are the gift, and you are enough. Treat the gift that is you with all of the loving care and respect you deserve, so that others my benefit in a balanced and responsible way.